These new terms come with the bail out bill as a package:

CEO - Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO - Corporate Fraud  Officer.

BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to  mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18  month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and  the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and  selling lower.

P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER — What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK  ANALYST — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT — When  your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between  themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down  the toilet.

YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR –  Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – An archaic word no longer in use.

by Don Rasmussen from Campaign For Liberty

If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49 today. If you had purchased $1000 in shares of AIG one year ago, you would have $33 today.

If you had purchased $1000 in shares of Lehman brothers one year ago, you would have $0 today. But If you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214. Based on the info provided, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401(keg).

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

- Suggested by Randy Gale

original idea by Moise Levi